It was the second time in my life I had seen a human’s face
So small and pale in a casket, the final resting place. The first was when I was young, and my memory was not keen. The second time I was older, and I remember everything. The smells of all the people who were hugging with streaming tears Searching eyes looking around for you, the man who is no longer here. The third is the day it happened, when we all said our goodbyes To a man who changed and influenced lives, one of which was mine. I did not know you well and I did not know you long But somehow that did not change my love for you, for it was very strong. You always said I love you, and you always knew why And I always said it back, without having to blink an eye. Yet somehow when I stood up to read a poem for you I felt like a fraud and a fake, even though my love was true. I looked at all the faces that longed to have you back, All the tears, sorrow, and broken hearts draped in cloth so black. I had no idea what they felt, the pain of losing your love, Of never seeing or hearing from you until they are up above. I stood up by the alter for you, to say a final farewell, And I spoke prewritten words about you that I never knew myself. Now I must confess something, a secret that clouds my heart. It has to do with you and me and when you finally made your part. I could not cry a single tear, even though I really tried. You see, the loss I felt when you were gone made me horrified. It was not that I would miss our chats on the telephone, Or that I would miss our card games and spending time alone. I could not feel sad about the times that we never even shared. What made me sad is that I never really got the chance to be there. I need to admit that I was jealous of those mourning you. I wanted to feel the same kind of loss and heartache too. I wanted to speak of you myself, with my own memories. I wanted to share of things we did and tell my own stories. I want to smile and laugh looking back at our inside jokes. I want to feel warmth in my heart when I hear our song on the radio. I want to feel like I knew you and am able to share your legacy, But unfortunately, I do not, and I cannot, and that is what truly hurts me. Now I know I did not know you well and I did not know you long, But somehow that does not change my love for you, for it is very strong. We may not have shared a lot, between you and me, But I realized something important: that our thing is that we are family. You always said I love you, without ever blinking an eye, And I always said it back Grandpa, and that is the reason why.
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January 2021
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