My ribs cave into my chest as my heart grows two times too big,
Pounding, banging, and pushing its way out, it is becoming a regular gig. I sit. I breathe. I close my eyes and tell myself everything is fine. But it only gets worse, the shrinking and growing, because I do not believe my own lie. The panic starts when I hear of you, your issues, and your pain. It strikes me hard in my chest and sucks me down like a drain. I love you very, very much, but you are extremely ill. You will never want to help yourself though, you would rather just take a pill. The day we went over to your house to help you clean it up Is the day I saw, experienced, and realized how sick you really are. I thought I knew what was wrong with you and what was going on, But nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to stumble upon. It is like when you are a kid sitting at the top of the monkey bars, And your friends yell up at you to jump and become a superstar. But the nerves kick in, you overthink, and suddenly you are on a bridge Staring down at rushing water flowing through a great, big ridge. You think it is a long way down and scary as all hell. You take a deep breath in, about to jump, but then you hear the bell. Recces is over and so is your fear as you climb down the long ladder, And you have no idea that tomorrow you will jump, and your tiny kid leg will shatter. I thought I knew how bad things were. I thought I had it right. But when I jumped from the bars, off went the dynamite. I may not have broken a bone, but I did not walk away unscathed. Something broke deep inside of me and left me in a daze. Four hours of pushing the machine that sucks up all the dirt. Four hours in one room alone, alone with all my hurt. Hurt for which I did not know ever existed at all. Hurt that stung like a fresh cut being cleaned with alcohol. Just cleaning up the physical mess that was left from many years Made me see the decades of mess that lied beyond your ears. I was not just a scared little kid a top some monkey bars, Afraid of jumping off the metal and crawling away with scars. The jump was not the scary part, or falling to the soil. It was getting there in my mind, the feeling of great turmoil. So, I jumped, and I landed, but I bruised up real good. And you will never notice. I do not think you ever could. The love you have for your family is undeniably clear, But the faith and respect you have for them has never and will never be there. You would rather live in your own, stupid bubble of pain and misery. You would rather suffer your life away and do it bitterly. Like I said before, I love you very much, But you are your own monkey bars that you will never touch. You will never go near them or dare speak their name. You will not even acknowledge they are there. It is like a sick little game. And because of all that, you will never be at the top Finding yourself looking down and scared to make the hop. You will never have the chance to choose whether or not to jump, Because you will not even admit they are there. You will never speak up. And while that is all nice and dandy for you in this moment Those you love undeniably are waiting for your atonement. Most of us leapt from our monkey bars, although we tried to hang on. And I am terrified that when you try to climb up, your monkey bars will be gone.
0 Comments
Comment your thoughts and share!
Leave a Reply. |
Details
AshleyTo learn more about the author, click here. Archives
January 2021
Categories |